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Avoid The Common Traps Of Grief
By Suzanne Quinn
Anyone who has lost a loved one or someone close to them
can understand the pain of grief. We too, understand
that pain. We are two women- Andrea Brunswick and
Suzanne Quinn- both life coaches, who have both
experienced great losses of loved ones. Suzanne has lost
her grandfather, both grandmothers and finally her
father- the most painful loss. Andrea lost her
grandfather, her father at young age and-all within
seven months- lost both of her husband's grandmothers,
her father-in-law and the most crushing- her husband.
When talking about grief, we have both lived through it
and understand the pain, the dysfunction and the common
traps into which we can fall.
In 2007, there were 235,217 deaths in Canada alone and
this figure is expected to increase due to our aging
"Baby Boomer" population. For each death, countless
friends and family members are affected. Of these deaths
in 2007, many people affected are likely still grieving,
some may have healed to the best of their abilities and
some may still have that grief bottled up in their
sub-conscious- unwilling to confront it.
The first thing you must understand is that it is okay
to grieve. What does grief mean? Grief is the extreme
sadness felt when you lose someone or something that is
important to you. You might feel as though you are
insane. You might feel like a freak. Grief is usually,
but not necessarily, associated with death but there are
other causes of grief. You can grieve after a divorce.
You can grieve the loss of a lifelong friendship. You
can grieve after losing your job.
Perhaps you have heard of the term "The Five Stages of
Grief". They are commonly known as: denial, anger,
bargaining, depression and acceptance. This was first
introduced by psychiatrist, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross,
in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying. Over the years
this theory has evolved and often is largely
misunderstood. Although there is merit in this idea- we
believe that grief is a personal journey and is
therefore different for everyone. It is too personal to
be rigidly defined into perfectly progressive stages.
Not everyone may feel each one of those "stages," or may
not feel them in the order that is presented. The length
of each "stage" is different for each of us as well. We
need to stop categorizing our grief. Society has a way
of putting expectations on us in terms of when and how
we should be moving on and particularly with regard to
the length of time that has passed since we suffered the
loss.
For example, it has been three years since the death of
Suzanne's father. For the first year, people were
generally sympathetic to his family. It is socially
acceptable and expected for people to grieve that first
year of milestones. After that, people expect you to
"get over it" and move on with your life, making like it
never happened. The commonly referred to "five stages"
can feed into these expectations that people have for
those who are grieving.
You must allow yourself to grieve your loss. What does
that mean? To us, it means allowing yourself to feel
those emotions, no matter how intense they may be. Allow
yourself to feel sad, lonely, depressed, like you're
losing your mind, angry, bitter, resentful and any other
emotions you may feel upon suffering a loss. It is okay
to have these feelings. Do not fear those emotions, do
not run from them. Not allowing yourself to feel these
emotions- to "grieve" properly- leads you into falling
into one of the common traps.
Traps can include a variety of destructive behaviors:
avoidance, misunderstanding, reliance on
pharmaceuticals, loss of control, addictions and retail
therapy, just to name a few. Even if you don't turn to
any of these destructive means of coping, stifling your
emotions will only leave the problem buried deep within
your subconscious, only to affect other areas of your
life, continuously resurfacing with each new challenge
faced.
When Suzanne's father passed away she still had her law
practice to run. She felt as though she did not want to
be anywhere- not at work, not at home, not among people-
just alone. The shopping mall was a perfect escape.
Purchases gave a brief adrenaline rush that felt good,
but was fleeting. This retail therapy only served to
avoid the pain she faced and was damaging to her
finances as well. Through her coaching with Andrea, she
began to discover that her shopping mall excursions were
a result of her avoidance to grief. The clich that "you
can run but you can't hide" certainly rang true. With
this new awareness, she learned to embrace her grief and
began attending a bereavement group.
Andrea, too found herself drowning in one of the common
traps of grief. Four years after Andrea's loss of her
father, she sought out treatment from a psychiatrist who
identified her problem as depression in their first
session. The cause of her depression was never
identified or even explored. She was prescribed Prozac,
as that was the "hot drug" in the late 1980's. Andrea
followed her doctor's advice and took her prescription,
only for her depression to deepen. She spent much time
crying, holding her father's picture and spiralling
deeper and deeper into her despair. It was not long
before she attempted to take her own life by taking the
whole bottle of anti-depressants and ended up in the
hospital. Even then, not one mental health professional
identified the cause of her depression as grief. It was
not until years later did Andrea realize the cause of
her depression was grief and that it was holding her
hostage because she never properly grieved her father's
death.
Talk about your grief. Seek the support that you need
and deserve- whether your loss was last month, last year
or twenty years ago. Give yourself permission to feel
the pain and the loss. Attend a bereavement group, or
seek out a counselor. Stop avoiding, and stop expecting
for it to just go away. Disregard those common
expectations that the loving- yet ignorant- people put
on you because "so much" time has passed. Loss is
unavoidable, therefore, grieving is unavoidable. Don't
run from it, embrace it. Here's to your journey.
The Empowering Angels coach individuals through their
personal journeys in grief confrontation It is about
healing. It is only when one is healed that they can
then learn to fully embrace the next chapter in their
lives. At this point, the coaching becomes very
exciting, both for us and the client as we witness
individuals progressively learn to manage the pain and
learn to live again.
The Empowering Angels provide a complete toolkit to take
control and transform of your life, offering the sound
emotional support of an experienced life coach, Andrea
Brunswick and the professional legal and practical
guidance from Suzanne Quinn, a seasoned lawyer. Joining
forces to form Empowering Angels, Brunswick and Quinn
have taken their personal pain and loss and transformed
it into a toolkit for the success and fulfillment of
themselves and others.
"Let your tears come. Let them water your soul." -
Eileen Mayhew
Embrace the pain of loss for a healthy journey forward |
