|
Losing a Loved One - Anticipatory
Grief
By Caroline Ley
One of the hardest things in life is dealing with the
death of a loved one but what happens when you find out
someone you love has a terminal illness? Often
individuals will go through the process of 'Anticipatory
Grief.' This describes the mourning a person may go
through before their loved one has passed away.
Anticipatory grief involves both the dying person and
those around them, such as relatives, children, friends
etc. Anticipatory grief brings in to focus all the
things that will be lost by death. The loss of the loved
one, the loss of a future with them in it, the loss of
dreams and the loss of life itself.
Anticipatory grief forces a person to look at every
aspect of life. The relationship with the person they
are losing is examined over and over again, the
closeness of the relationship is looked at in detail,
the meaning of the relationship is dissected as the
person contemplates the past, present and future. The
anticipation of the future, of family events, of future
accomplishments are all brought under the spot light as
the person contemplates a life without their loved one
in it.
Anticipatory grief involves confusing, intense emotions
that can swing back and forth. The emotions can become
overwhelming and make little sense at all. The feelings
of guilt, anxiety and hopelessness can rise to the
surface as the person feels a sense of overwhelming
helplessness.
Knowing a loved one has a limited time to live allows
time for reconciliation and gives time for both parties
to say the things they need to say. Anticipatory grief
can strengthen the bond between the dying person and
their loved ones. The impending loss often increases the
attachment to the dying person. The increased
hopelessness of the situation, the inability to comfort
the dying person can lead to increased feelings of
helplessness and frustration.
This period of grief before death has an advantage over
sudden death in that it allows the person to prepare
emotionally and mentally and also allows unresolved
issues between themselves and the dying person to be
addressed and resolved.
The five stages of grief as proposed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
are often present in anticipatory grief but it is not
simply a case of a person starting the grief process
early. A person may go through stages of:
Denial
Bargaining
Depression
Anger
Acceptance
These stages may also be revisited once the person's
loved one has passed away, as part of the grieving
process (Not everyone will necessarily go through each
stage and individuals may go through the stages in a
different order.)
Stages identified specifically with anticipatory grief
as opposed to grief experienced after a death include an
increased concern for the dying person, rehearsal of the
death and attempts to adjust to the consequences of the
death.
The following shows how a person may go through
anticipatory grief:
Stage One
After initial feelings of shock a person comes to terms
with the fact that death is inevitable. There is a
realisation that a cure will not be found and their
loved one will die. Deep sadness and depression are
often associated with this first stage of grief. Loved
ones and the dying person may go through phases of
denial, anger, or calmness and acceptance.
Stage Two
During this phase the focus is on the dying person.
Loved ones may feel the need to resolve differences or
address past arguments. There may be a concern for the
dying person's fear of death which may result in the
dying person becoming withdrawn. This can lead to an
eagerness to comfort the dying person and support them
through this difficult stage of life. Being close to the
person dying is important during this stage and provides
great comfort and support.
Stage Three
During this stage the actual death is "rehearsed" by
both the dying person and the loved ones. The dying
person may request their wants and preferences for their
funeral plans. Loved ones may start helping the dying
person put things into place. For example, the dying
person's financial affairs may be organised and a last
will and testament may be drawn up.
Stage Four
During this last stage, loved ones may start to imagine
what their lives will be like without the dying person
in it, they will start to visualise a future different
to the one they had previously imagined. At this stage,
people will ponder on what life will be like on
birthdays, Christmases, weddings etc. without the dying
person there.
Grief before the death has occurred can present many
issues in an individual as the dying person is still
alive and therefore, feelings of anger and depression
may bring with it a sense of survivor's guilt. Often
grief is not recognised and supported by others when the
individual in question is still alive and therefore
individuals can often feel isolated in their grief.
It is important to remember that no two people are the
same, the way one person will go through the grieving
process will be different to the next. There is no right
or wrong way. It is also important that an individual
has support when going through the grieving process.
Talking to a counsellor, psychotherapist, priest,
family, friends etc. may help during this most difficult
time of life. |
