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Can We Enjoy Life After the Death of a Child? Learning About Grief and Life

By Patti Tillotson, Ph.D.

Five years have passed since the death of my 17 year old daughter Stephanie. I am just now beginning to realize that life can hold new meaning and great hope. In fact, my future feels bright and joyful for the first time since Stephanie's death. With five years of reflection and grief behind me, I want to share my secrets for evolving to this new life of joy in hopes that you may find a golden nugget of wisdom to help you through the sad times.

Secret #1: Step into Your Pain

You will experience complete and utter darkness for months after your child's death. It's OK. I can't remember a single thing I did for the first 6 months after my daughter's death. I got up, ate, cried, slept and tried to maintain a daily routine. That's all I remember. At times I was terrified of the pain and sorrow. I tried to put sad thoughts out of my mind. But, sadness often overwhelmed me and I ended up experiencing the pain no matter how hard I tried. On good days, I didn't want to think about Stephanie because I knew how deeply the pain could carve itself in my heart. I learned that the more I cried and the more I felt pain, the faster I got to the other side of it. So I started a daily mantra: Step into your fear, Step into your pain. I continue to use this even today.

Secret #2: Find Ways to Connect With Your Granite

The day of Stephanie's funeral I found a dime on the walkway heading up to our house. After that, I started seeing dimes on the ground everywhere. One winter morning I went for coffee at the local coffeehouse. Snow covered the ground. When I came out of the coffeehouse I looked down and there on the ground was a dime in the only patch of parking lot asphalt that was not covered with snow. It was unbelievable!

While I continue to find dimes, I've found other ways to connect as well. Sometimes I think of Stephanie before I go to sleep at night. Often when I do this, I will dream of her. I also stay connected by emailing her friends. We celebrate her birthday by going out to dinner every year. It's a great way to remember the good times and know that your child had value to others besides yourself.

Secret #3: Never Let Others Tell You What's Best

Over the years I had many friends try and tell me how I should grieve. They would say well-intentioned things like, "You need to get out more. Be with people." I knew they had my best interest at heart. But I was not ready to get out more or to be with people so I graciously declined invitations. Only you know what's best for your grief. Know one else, not even your spouse, can tell you what's best. You have to dig down, reflect and decide for yourself what's best for your grief. I do this even now five years later.

Secret #4: Plan a New Future

When you are ready (and remember it's taken me five years), plan a new future for yourself. Do you like the outdoors? Do you like photography? Do you want to move to Alaska? Choose a future that concentrates on activities you love. You may feel guilty at first. That's OK. Let it be. Eventually you will begin to see that life can have new meaning, new joy, new hope, new love. Remember, just like you wanted the best for your child, your child wants the best for you. He or she wants you to live a joy-filled life so go ahead and live it in their honor! It will make you feel great!

Patti Tillotson is a survivor! A survivor of her teenage daughter's death by suicide. A survivor of breast cancer and a survivor of her own lifelong depression. She is a Ph.D. scientist by training and is currently dedicated to preventing suicide in teens. To raise money, she's established a non-profit organization called StepsForSteph in honor of her daughter Stephanie. Visit her at http://StepsForSteph.com to learn more.

   

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