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Death of a Child - Ten Steps to Help
in the Grieving Process
By Sheryl Letzgus McGinnis
My husband and I lost our son to a drug overdose - to
the disease of addiction. I hope you'll find these 10
steps helpful. There are probably more ideas that I
could include to help you get through this process but I
leave that up to you to add your own personal steps. For
grief is a very personal journey.
Those of us who have suffered the ultimate loss - that
of our beloved child - all experience profound
heartbreak, but we don't necessarily grieve in the same
way. Some of us will turn to family traditions, others
will turn to friends and clergy and others will flounder
not having any idea how to survive this ordeal.
Of all the steps listed here I think acceptance is the
hardest; it's the one we fight against the most. We do
not want to accept that our child is gone...but we must
if we are to ever reclaim any semblance of a happy or
normal life.
We will never again be the person we used to be and we
must accept that and hope that our friends and family
will also accept this new person we've become.
What has helped me the most since that devastating day
of December 1, 2002, is the knowledge that our son would
not want us to suffer. He loved us too much to want us
to spend the rest of our lives in abject misery and
despair. So I remember that. I live, knowing that this
is what he would want for us.
I can now smile, enjoy a laugh, sometimes a really good
belly laugh. But while I'm smiling and laughing on the
outside, my heart is still broken. He is never more than
a thought away. He would appreciate that but more than
anything he would want me to accept this new life and
smile. So I do. I wish the same for you.
Accept what fate has dealt you. This has to be the
hardest step and in fact some might say this step should
be at the very bottom of the list because it takes so
long to reach this point. However, there has to be some
initial acceptance of what has happened before you can
truly progress to the next steps.
Cry, scream, rant and rave - whatever it takes to help
get you through. This is not the time for self-control.
If you need to unleash your fury, buy some old plates at
a flea market or yard sale and hurl them with abandon at
the fence or the ground. It's amazing how this can
relieve tension.
Listen to your own inner voice. Do not listen to the
advice of others who may not know your heartbreak. Even
if they have suffered the same loss as you, they are not
you! Only you know how to grieve the loss of your loved
one.
Understand that you loved passionately and that you will
grieve passionately.
Do not put any unrealistic deadlines on your mourning
period. Some cultures have placed a one year mourning
period and wear black clothing for that duration. To
think that you will be through with mourning and grief
in one year is self-delusional. Ask anyone who has lost
a child if a year is long enough to mourn and grieve.
It can help to write your feelings in a journal,
recalling fond memories of your loved one. Things that
you think you will never forget have a way of slipping
down the thought hole in times of grief.
You might ask to have someone contact the doctor, or a
nurse or funeral home director to cut a lock of their
hair. You won't think of that at the time but as time
goes by you may find yourself asking why you didn't get
that lock of hair, just as you got the lock of hair
during his or her first haircut.
If possible, ask for the clothing they were wearing when
they died. This can be an enormous source of comfort to
you, smelling their clothes, perhaps picking up the
scent of their favorite cologne or perfume. Even
cigarette smoke, if they were smokers, can cling to
their clothing and will be meaningful to you because it
is their cigarette smoke. Although the scent won't last
forever it can be a comfort to you in the initial time
of mourning. Many people put their child's clothing in a
vacuum sealed plastic bag, opening it from time to time
to inhale their child's scent. This is not crazy, this
is grief.
Even if you think you don't need it, it is helpful to
seek others who have suffered a similar loss. There are
many bereavement support groups on the internet in
addition to local groups such as The Compassionate
Friends. It's wonderful to share your grief in person
with others but if you are a private person or have
difficulty attending meetings, the internet can help you
get through these trying times. You won't find a local
support group at 3 a.m. but you can go online and pour
your heart out to your internet soul mates. Even if they
aren't online at that hour, you will at least be able to
vent your feelings and know that soon someone will
respond.
Acceptance - again. Accept that you didn't cause your
loved one's death and that you can't go back in time to
change things. Try to avoid the What Ifs; (What if we
had not divorced, what if we had not moved, etc.) they
will only add to your grief and impede your progress.
Remember that it's not what happens to us in life, but
how we deal with it. We choose our attitude. In the
early stages of grief and mourning we don't do much
choosing. We just let our emotions wash over us and give
in to them. That's fine. That's normal. But after a
certain amount of time - that you determine - you begin
wanting to live again, wanting to smile without feeling
guilty. You will want to recall memories of your child
with a smile. Healing tears will eventually be replaced
by healing smiles.
Sheryl Letzgus McGinnis is the author of three books on
drugs and addiction and numerous articles both online
and in print. You can read about her books by visiting
her website http://www.theaddictionmonster.com
Her children's book - The Addiction Monster and the
Square Cat is consistently on Amazon.com's Best Sellers
List in Substance Abuse.
Sheryl is a retired medical transcriptionist and radio
DJ who also did voiceovers for TV. Married, with one
living son. The McGinnises live in Palm Bay, Florida
where they are owned by 1 big black lab and 3 spoiled
rotten cats. |
