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The Four 'R's of Funerals
By Gail Rubin
"Don't have a funeral for me when I'm gone." People say
this, not realizing while the memorial service is about
them, it's not really for them. Funerals are for those
still living who grieve the loss of someone they love.
Funeral and memorial service rituals help recognize this
transition, socially acknowledge the death, and help
start processing grief to move toward healing.
Dr. William G. Hoy, a grief counselor and death
educator, explained, "Very often - with those who don't
stop and ritualize the death - six months later, these
families are in my office, having a harder time with
grieving and healing."
Dr. Hoy and other counselors believe every good funeral
includes these four R's: Recognize Reality, Remember,
Reaffirm, and Release. Use these as a guide towards a
"good goodbye."
Recognize Reality
The bereavement process starts with the recognition and
realization that someone has died. To come to terms with
the reality of death, someone has to stand up and say,
"Yes, so-and-so has died," or if you prefer, "passed
on." The reading of an obituary written and published
about the deceased often serves this role at a funeral.
Remember
Funerals or memorial services provide an opportunity to
remember and share stories about the person. Eulogies by
clergy, family members, and/or friends provide insights
into the person's character and family history.
Remembrances can also be sparked by tabletop displays of
items related to the person.
Reaffirm
An important part of funerals is to reaffirm beliefs,
whatever they may be. If you believe your loved one has
gone to a better place, say so. If you believe you will
be reunited with him or her when you leave this world,
say so. If you believe this life is all we have and we
should make the most of this lifetime, just say so.
Release
Releasing the spirit of the deceased gives the living
permission to move on, prompting healing tears and
goodbyes. A simple release statement can be, "We now
commit the body of (name) to the earth (or sea, fire, or
wind) and let his/her spirit go free."
Psychologists cite a number of reasons for holding
funeral rituals. They make the dead "safely dead,"
dispatched with proper ceremony to rest in peace. They
confirm the deceased and their survivors matter, and
that the community will continue. They provide structure
in the midst of chaos and disorder, and ensure communal
support for survivors during a stressful time.
I'd like to add a fifth R: No Regrets.
Let's live our lives to the fullest every day. See and
hear the beauty in nature. Take time to thank a loved
one and tell them how much they mean to you. Share a
hug. Enjoy good food and drink. And, of course, stop to
smell the roses and admire all flowers.
Live life so that when it's time to say goodbye, you can
die with no regrets. And let your loved ones know it's
okay to have a funeral - they'll bless you for it.
Gail Rubin is an event planner and the author of A Good
Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don't Plan to
Die and The Family Plot Blog
http://thefamilyplot.wordpress.com/. She provides
information, inspiration and tools for proactive,
creative funeral planning and speaks regularly to groups
on getting the conversation started. Sign up for a free
planning form at http://www.AGoodGoodbye.com. |
