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Dealing With Death - Coping With the Pain
By Susan Leigh

Death is an integral part of life and yet we are often devastated when someone close to us dies. Even when a person has been ill for a long time and we feel that we should be prepared for the end it is still a shock and an experience that needs treating with sensitivity.

When strangers die we are often upset too. The outpouring of grief over the untimely death of Diana, Princess of Wales, or of someone famous whom we have never met, or the distress felt when someone young dies, especially in an unpleasant way, is a way of uniting us all as human beings in a period of mourning for our shared loss.

Each of us experience loss and grief in different ways.

When a stranger dies we can empathise with other peoples loss and perhaps also appreciate the pain we are feeling as a reflection of how we personally experience loss. With the death of someone young we will be also be mourning the loss of a young life, the unfulfilled hopes and dreams, as well as connecting and empathising with the distress that the bereaved family are feeling. The situation allows us to grieve for our own issues too, but from a little distance as they are separate from our own personal situation.

When someone close to us dies there may be things that we regret, things that we did or did not say or do. Plans that were unfulfilled. There may even be regrets about the relationship. It may not have been as perfect as we would have wished and there can be grieving over the loss of what we could have had.

Animal owners are often devastated when their pet dies. People who do not love animals often struggle to understand how much a part of a family an animal can become. Many people decide to never again have an animal in their life, the pain of loss would be too much to contemplate enduring again. Often though, after a period of healing they realise that the love an animal brings into a home is too special to forfeit experiencing another time.

A period of healing is important in which to acknowledge the pain and loss. Numbness may set in. We may not know how we are feeling and that is fine. Many people feel confused and wonder how they should be feeling. There is no right or wrong way at this time. Just existing through this time can be good enough. Trying to eat, sleep and get through the days is often enough to manage.

Some religions have a period of time where the bereaved remain in their home and have everything they need delivered to them. Friends, family and neighbours provide support and company throughout this period. This is a sensitive and supportive way of helping people start to come to terms with their loss.

As time passes there can start to be a recognition of significant days, anniversaries, things that would or should have happened. Referring to the deceased in conversations, reminiscencing, maybe having a memorial service can be positive ways of remembering the person. If they had a particular interest or a favourite charity they supported it can be lovely to hold an event in their honour, maybe even make it an annual or official event or charity. It can be an important way of coping with the pain and dealing with the death.

Writing a letter to the person can help if there is outstanding guilt, unfinished business or regrets. Some people find it helpful to take time and write down everything they feel, wanted to say, maybe never had the opportunity to say, both good and bad. Taking time over this letter is important. Maybe even put it to one side and revisit it later, re-read it, maybe re-write it until it feels right and then perhaps undertake a service or ritual to finalize those matters. It can help any unfinished issues start to heal.

Everyone deals with death differently. There are many factors that have to be taken into account that help each person understand and cope with their pain in their own way. Counselling can be an important part of this process. The important thing is to be respectful of each other's situation, feelings, issues and concerns at this time and allow them to recover in the best way for them.

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with
- stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief,
- couples in crisis to help improve communications and understanding
- with business clients to help support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams

For more information see http://www.lifestyletherapy.net


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