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Experiencing Grief
By Bernice McLaren
What is Grief?
If you are reading this you have probably suffered a
loss and experiencing deep sadness as a result of loss.
This is grief, emotionally painful but natural and in
most cases a healthy response to a loss. Grieving should
not be prevented or avoided, rather it should be
respected. People who are grieving need and should have
support to help them through the process.
When does grief occur?
Whether pain due to loss is referred to as mourning,
grieving or bereavement there are good reasons for it.
Some reasons are:
The death of a loved one.
Loss of health/chronic disease reducing the quality of
life.
Loss of an important relationship.
Are there different kinds of grief?
We all experience grief differently which means that
outwardly behaviors may differ; some may cry while
others fall silent. When my mother died I thought my dad
held no love for her because he did not cry, while I
sobbed incessantly. Later I realized that he withdrew,
sitting head in hands, absorbed in his memories and
grief, because this was the way he dealt with the loss
of his deeply loved wife.
Where our external reactions to loss are different, our
emotional and psychological responses are the same or
similar. Research by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross shows
that we go through five stages of grieving. Once loss is
recognized you can move through stages to a place of
acceptance, and accepting reality does not mean
diminished love.
Sometimes death is expected and feelings of relief occur
hand-in-hand with grief, especially if the loved one was
suffering, as was the case with my mother who was
inflicted with a chronic illness. In this case, feelings
of loss start long before the passing. In this case
acceptance occurs sooner. If death is without warning or
under violent circumstances, acceptance could take
longer.
What stages and feelings to expect?
The five stages Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified are
denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally
acceptance.
Going through the stages, depending on the person, do
not always occur in a specific order. Sometimes, just
when you think you are done with a stage, it recurs.
Also, feelings from various stages can occur at the same
time.
All these variations, unfortunately, are normal. Grief
is normal. Grief, churning on the inside, can manifest
into symptoms on the outside, some being sleep and
appetite disturbances, incessant crying, withdrawal,
and/or preoccupation with the deceased.
How to begin to heal?
Time heals all wounds is the cliché that tends to be
true, but only because time allows us to move through
the stages to acceptance, that is if we allow it. Acute
grief usually lasts about two months but milder symptoms
can last about a year, sometimes more.
It is important to recognize that most grief feelings
and symptoms are normal, in the meantime, some things
that may help are:
Jot down your thought and don't worry about spelling and
grammar, just get it down. Sometimes even write to the
deceased. Just get your feelings out as this process
tends to surface thoughts you didn't know you had.
Gradually, write more and more about positive memories
and thoughts. Even a eulogy expressing memories helps
begin the healing process.
Read, as you are doing now, about grief and healing.
If forgiveness is warranted, make a conscious effort to
give it.
Meditate if it suits your personality, and if it
doesn't, give it a try anyway.
Take physical care of yourself - healthy eating, proper
sleep, and exercise.
See your family doctor if you can't deal with grief, are
self-medicating with drugs or alcohol, are very
depressed, or if depression interferes with daily
living. Your doctor will probably ask you questions - be
sure you are forthcoming about everything. They may run
some tests or make recommendations that will help. They
will also know of mental health professionals who can
assist if necessary. Psychological help is especially
important for those who cannot experience a grief
reaction or who cannot move through the stages.
Clergy, meet-up groups, grieving support groups, and
supportive friends are all options.
Are complications possible?
Awareness of complications means awareness of symptoms
that affect overall health. Grief can lead to depression
which can bring about excessive alcohol or drug use. If
severe grief interferes with daily living and lasts for
more than two months it could mean a major depression.
Medical help is a must and be aware that medication may
be needed to break the cycle.
The end or maybe the beginning. |
