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Funny Epitaphs
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
of yours.
Stowe, Vermont
Here lies the body of
Jane Gordon
With mouth almighty
and teeth accordin!
Marblehead, Massachusetts
Cold is my bed, but oh, I love it,
For colder are my friends above it.
Calvary Cemetery, Chicago, Illinois
Here lies a man who while he lived
Was happy as a linnet.
He always lied while on the earth
And now he's lying in it.
On the four husbands of Ivy Saunders:
Here lies my husbands 1 - 2 - 3
As still as men could ever be.
As for the fourth: Praise be to God
He still abides above the sod:
Abel, Seth and Leidy were the first 3 names
and to make things tidy I'll add his - James.
Shutesbury
Here lies
Suzannah Ensign;
Lord she is thin *
(* Should read "thine") Cooperstown, New York
On a miser who wanted to save money:
Thorp's Corpse.
When his wife died, the wording was changed to:
Here lieth Thorpses Corpses.
The dust of
Melantha Gribbling
Swept up at last
by the Great Housekeeper
Woodville, England
On a hypochondriac's grave:
See. I told you
I was SICK!
Littleton, Colorado
Surnames caused rhyming problems for the stonecutter.
Here beneath this pile of stones
Lies all thats left of Sally Jones.
Her name was Smith, not Jones,
But Jones was used to rhyme with stones.
Here lie the remains of
Thomas Woodhen.
The most amiable of husbands
And excellent of men.
His real name was Woodcock
But it wouldn't come in rhyme.
Dunoon, Scotland
Some epitaphs were meant to warn the living from
committing the same mistake as the deceased.
Beneath this stone a lump of clay
Lies Uncle Peter Dan'els
Who early in the month of May
Took off his winter flannels.
Edinburgh, Scotland
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
Uniontown, PA.
Reader, I've left this world, in which
I had a world to do;
Sweating and fretting to get rich:
Just such a fool as you.
Charleston, South Carolina
Ellen Shannon
age 26 years
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R. E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive
Burning Fluid."
Girard, Pennsylvania
Harry Edsel Smith
Born 1903 - Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft
to see if the car
was on the way down.
It was.
near Albany, New York
Julia Newton
Died of thin shoes,
April 17th, 1839,
age 19 years.
In a New Jersey cemetery.
Here lies the body of Mary Ann Lowder
She burst while drinking a Seidlitz powder.
Called from this world to her heavenly rest,
She should have waited till it effervesced.
Burlington, Vermont
First a Cough
Carried Me Off
Then a Coffin
They Carried Me Off In
Boston, Massachusetts
Blown upward
out of sight:
He sought the leak
by candlelight
Wiltshire, England
(Spelling is exactly as written on the tombstone)
In memory of
Richard Fothergill
Who met vierlent death near this spot
18 hundred and 40 too.
He was shot by
his own pistill.
It was not one of the
new kind;
But an old fashioned brass barrell
Of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
Near Sparta Diggings, California
On Joseph Crapp:
His foot is slipt
and he did fall.
"Help; Help" he cried
and that was all.
Mylor Churchyard, Cornwall, England
Dinah had a little can
'Twas filled with kerosine
And soon among the twinkling stars
Dynamite Benzine. *
(* Dinah might been seen)
Here lies old Aunt Hannah Proctor
Who purged but didn't call the Doctor:
She couldn't stay, She had to go
Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
Medway
Here Lies Jane Smith
Wife of Thomas Smith
Marble Cutter:
This Monument Erected
By Her Husband
As A Tribute
To Her Memory.
Monuments of this style
are 250 Dollars.
Annapolis
Sacred To The Remains of
Jonathan Thompson
A Pious Christian and
Affectionate Husband.
His disconsolate widow
Continues to carry on
His grocery business
At the old stand on
Main Street: Cheapest
and best prices in town.
Harwichport
Effen Nyt
(translates into "Exactly Nothing." Put on stone by
disappointed heirs) New Church, Amsterdam, Holland
Arthur C. Homan's epitaph:
Once I wasn't
Then I was
Now I ain't again.
Cleveland, Ohio
On babies graves:
Ope'd my eyes, took a peep;
Didn't like it, went to sleep.
It is so soon that I am done for
I wonder what I was begun for.
Lake Mills Cemetery, Wisconsin
Here lies Ned.
There is nothing more to be said--
Because we like to speak well of the dead.
I came into this world
Without my consent
And left in the same manner.
Chattanooga, Tennessee
Thomas Stagg's epitaph:
That is all
St. Giles Churchyard, London, England
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