Beneath his silent stone is laid
A noisy, antiquated maid,
Who from her cradle talked to death,
And never before was out of breath.
Here lies, returned to clay
Miss Arabella Young,
Who on the eleventh day of May
Began to hold her tongue.
On a spinster postmistress:
In a North Carolina cemetery
There just wasn't enough time for these individuals.
Here lies the father of 29.
He would have had more
But he didn't have time.
Here lies the body of Elred.
At least he will be when he is dead.
But now at this time he's still alive,
14th August '65.
Oxford, England. (Elred eventually made it.)
Than he could pay.
Battersea, London, England
This Empty Urn is
Sacred to the Memory
of John Revere
Who Died Abroad
If He Had Lived
He Would Have Been
Death causing the end of a marriage apparently was a
good time for the true feelings of the surviving spouse
or family members to be etched on stone for all the
world to see.
She lived with her husband for 50 years
And died in the confident hope of a better life.
Here lies the body of Mary Ford.
We hope her soul is with the Lord.
But if for hell she's changed this life,
Better live there than as J. Ford's wife.
Grieve not for me my husband dear.
I am not dead but sleeping here.
With patience wait - perforce to die
And in a short time you'll come to I.
And the husband added:
I am not grieved, my dearest life.
Sleep on, I've got another wife.
Therefore, I cannot come to thee
For I must go and live with she.
I plant these shrubs upon your grave dear wife
That something on this spot may boast of life.
Shrubs must wither and all earth must rot.
Shrubs may revive, but you thank heaven will not.
1796 -- WISE -- 1878
Here lies the body of Ephraim Wise.
Safely tucked between his two wives.
One was Tillie and the other Sue.
Both were faithful, loyal, and true.
By his request in ground that's hilly
His coffin is set tilted toward Tillie.
Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada
Tears cannot restore her --
therefore I weep.
In a New Hampshire cemetery.
Sacred to the memory of
Who died January 3, 1803.
His comely young widow, aged 23,
has many qualifications of a good wife,
and yearns to be comforted.
In a Vermont cemetery
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna;
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the devil sent him Anna.
Here beneath this stone we lie
Back to back my wife and I
And when the angels trump shall trill
If she gets up then I'll lie still!
Barlinine Cemetery, Glasgow, Scotland
my wife for 47 years,
and this is the first damn thing
she ever done to oblige me.
Streatham Churchyard, England
They abounded in riches
But she wore the britches ...
On an adulterous husband:
Gone, but not forgiven
I put my wife beneath this stone
For her repose and for my own.
These kind of epitaphs make one wonder--
This stone was raised by Sara's Lord
Not Sara's virtues to record
For they are known to all the town.
This stone was raised to keep her down.
Kilmurry Churchyard, Ireland
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia
Here lies the body of poor Aunt Charlotte.
Born a virgin, died a harlot.
For 16 years she kept her virginity
A damn'd long time for this vicinity.
Death Valley, California
Here lies Pa.
Pa liked wimin.
Ma caught Pa in with two swimmin.
Here lies Pa.
A stone erected in memory of Brigham Young:
Born on this spot 1801
A man of much courage and superb equipment.
Some atheists claim to fame.
All dressed up
And no place to go.
Atheist Arthur Haine's epitaph:
aged 74 years
Reader pass on and ne'er waste your time
On bad biography and bitter rhyme.
For what I am this cumb'rous clay insures,
And what I was, is no affair of yours.